Put your hands up and lay your burdens down; trust and wait upon the Lord. Surrender and waiting kind of go together, its the unexpected couple. This songs come to my mind…

        All to Jesus I surrender;
	all to him I freely give;
	I will ever love and trust him,
	in his presence daily live.
Refrain:
	I surrender all, I surrender all,
	all to thee, my blessed Savior,
	I surrender all. 

2.	All to Jesus I surrender;
	humbly at his feet I bow,
	worldly pleasures all forsaken;
	take me, Jesus, take me now.
	(Refrain) 

3.	All to Jesus I surrender;
	make me, Savior, wholly thine;
	fill me with thy love and power;
	truly know that thou art mine.
	(Refrain) 

4.	All to Jesus I surrender;
	Lord, I give myself to thee;
	fill me with thy love and power;
	let thy blessing fall on me.
	(Refrain) 

5.	All to Jesus I surrender;
	now I feel the sacred flame.
	O the joy of full salvation!
	Glory, glory, to his name!
	(Refrain)

and these verses come to mind…

In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice;
in the morning I lay my requests before you
and wait in expectation (Psalm 5:3).

“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,
“Therefore I hope in Him!”
The LORD is good to those who wait for Him,
To the soul who seeks Him.
It is good that one should hope and wait quietly
For the salvation of the LORD (Lamentations 3:24-26).

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:4-7).

Waiting IS indeed painful.

oh…you didn’t know?

I’m sorry to burst your bubble,

well not really, now you know the truth.

Waiting can be and often is…

worth your time.

Just thinking about all the things in my life that are being drag back to the front, all the insecurities, doubt, and wounds that were never really healed, all those things being worked on in my period of waiting. Its not like God using peroxide to get the wounds clean and a vacuum to suck all the filth out. No, its rubbing alcohol and a broom, slow and steady, old reliable, the traditional method, old faithful of cleaning house.  And so waiting becomes painful, as i wait for some particular things to happen, so many other things are taking place, some things i didn’t necessarily directly ask for. Today i was inside bitter and dogging myself, and i don’t like it. Today i face a lot of things i didn’t realize i was carrying around, and it was a rough hard day with bright spots. Actually, this week has been rough around the edges with bright spots.

Have you ever blow a bubble and had the joy of popping it yourself; bubble gum bubble, or the other kind you may have played with as a kid. This pain is bittersweet, i created this mess, i allowed different things in, and now i get to pop those bubbles…some of the bubbles i will miss because i was so proud of my accomplishment and others not so much. Like you don’t miss the bubble that pops in your eye and burns like nothing else. You simply don’t miss that.

It is painful to see some things go, and some things that at one time brought so much happiness, not joy, leave by my choosing. But the bubbles go away, and the day closes, and I’m better off because of it.

I wonder now, if i make any sense or if my rambling is simply that just rambling.

An all-nighter writing session to add some more excitement to writing a difficult part of the story. Something i read today that spark and new energy to write was something by Chris Baty, the founder of the site deciated to National Writing Month.

You deserve some fun. We get so focused on doing the things that pay the bills that we sometimes neglect to do the things that make us feel truly alive. You have a world of people depending on you—family, friends, co-workers, bosses, teachers. Taking care of everyone’s needs while still finding time to buy groceries and bathe every couple days can be a feat. Unfortunately, this means that activities like writing and art and music tend to disappear into the margins of our lives.

Think of November as an all-expenses-paid, 30-day vacation to novel-land. It’s a place where you can whoop and holler and dance the crazy dance. A place where you can conjure new worlds, dream oversized dreams, and explore the wilds of your imagination. For one month, you get to orient your life around your creative spark, rather than vice versa.

Here’s to having fun. Something i realize with the novels i have finished writing, none of them have been this big, i have never written something as long as what i am attempting this month, so i’m determined to finish it even though i no longer am sure of where the story is going. As i continue to write the story breaks out of the box i hope it would fit in and it is really to me a mess of words on the page, my only goal is to write everyday, and be at 50,000 words by the end of this month, and after this month i will take a week long break and then go and tear into the book editing my first draft and making it make sense and flow smoothly into each piece. All i care about is finishing, i want to finish this task for the first time. Check out this page to keep up with my word count: http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/442448

———

# words in all: 10,204 of out 50,000
# of dead characters: 2 (so far…)
# of times procrastinating: 16 (one for each day, plus a couple more for good measure)
# of times my wrist felt like it was breaking: once, tonight, and my eyes are watering from the glare of the computer screen.
# of times I thought “I’m giving up”: 3, thank you for those who keep asking me for updates on the progression of the book, it keeps me working on it and not giving up even though i feel like it.
# of times I was discouraged by the amazing word count of others: 6, some people have already reached their 50,000, here’s to stopping comparing word counts because it isn’t helping me write.
# of times i tried to write but nothing came to mind: 4, no longer the predicament, nothing is coming to mind but i am hitting the keys, placing one word after another.
# of mispelled word currently in the novel: the count is insane, to much for me to care to count tonight.

So, this is an idea i have…

366 Reasons Why I love you.
Disclaimer: Valentine’s day should be everyday of the year.

I don’t need a reason to Love God, i just do, simply as that, and its the same for people I love them. We all like to know why, we all enjoy hearing why we are loved, as if we have to have a reason why we deserve it.  I am spending time, however it long it takes me to come up with at least 366 reason why i Love God, and one day i will write one for the man that comes into my life, he will have a reason for everyday why i love him. I will probably write it during the first year that I’m married, and it can be something we can look back on. Right now, i have 67 reason out of 366 for why I Love God, only 299 to go, and I so know I can do it. Could you write one reason everyday for one year about the people you love?

I don’t need a reason to tell anyone that i love them, however if i had to give a reason I would tell them how much I love them because i want to make sure that they understand how much they are loved. You are LOVED by me! Did you know that?

you know maybe the title should be, I have chosen to love you, but here are 366 reasons why love is the only response…hmm maybe that’s to long. ^_^

So, for awhile inspiration was pouring in like a beast, and i was writing, and now a little over three days and i haven’t written a thing. I have sat down many times to begin to write, and to try and picture it, get lost in the world of the story and tell the story, like i see it. Each day recently, i sit down and i’m stuck, nothing is flowing out, no ideas, no vision, nothing, the story seems impossible today, but i’m not giving up, i know i can finish it, i know i can write it within this month’s time. I’m thinking about how i will celebrate when i am finished, today i’m not lazy, i’m stuck, i don’t know exactly where to go with it, and i have tried to just start writing, but i stare at the screen until my ears water, nothing is coming, but it is inside side of me, so what’s blocking the flow i wonder? Why won’t my imagine run wild, why won’t my imagine run wild and allow my fingers to try to catch up, what is stopping me? Why can’t i write…

I use to say, and still do at times, that Writer’s Block is God’s way of reminding me I’m not in control. I feel like this writer’s block is self-inflicted, i caused it, i’m the issue, i’m blocking myself…but the question is why would I? for what purpose? What do i gain by being stuck?